You are the worst manager I ever had.
These were the parting words from the first person I ever managed. I was shocked. Annoyed. He walked away.
It took a few weeks to process what had happened. For most of that time I was angry. I hadn't thought quickly enough to say anything at the time. Later, I was having multiple conversations with him in my head. I told him exactly what I thought of him. Why he was wrong. I explained my point of view. He understood. He apologised.
But no matter how many times I had these imaginary conversations, I didn't feel any better. It took a while, but one day I understood why.
He was right.
From his point of view, I had been a terrible manager. I was so caught up in my own world that I had never once stepped into his.
It hit me hard. I had many dark thoughts about my capabilities and self worth. This was my first role as a people manager. It was the natural progression from being a Senior Developer. If I couldn't do this, what was I going to do? I saw a future of failure. I was angry at the situation. My mind did what it did best and created a story where I was the misunderstood one.
It became fixed on blaming. From that position, I was powerless. Everything was happening to me. It was out of my control.
I thought I would never get out of this mental pain loop, but the exit was surprisingly simple. I gave up. I accepted the judgement. A new thought chain surfaced - "Ok. My first attempt went badly. What do I need to do, to make sure it never happens again? How would it feel if someone told me I was the best manager they ever had? What would I need to change to make that happen?"
I reflected back on the situation. I found a recurring thought that had become a belief.
I don't have time to manage people. They take me away from my real job
I realised I was still fully embodying the role of a developer. I had taken on the title of manager, but I wasn't living it. My mind was still fixed on my old role. I was judging my own performance based on how much code I wrote. On how much closer I was to the end of the project.
I had a radical thought - "What if the people I manage are my first priority? What if my very existence as a manager is to serve them and not myself?"
I tell this story because I meet people with the same inverted mental model. One told me last week
If I hadn't had to spend so much time managing people, the business would have been a success.
They think the deliverable is the job and the people are the distraction. They're exhausted, slightly resentful and can't see a different way.
I mentor people who are running the mental model I used to run. If this is you and you're ready to move past that, let's talk.
You can discover more about my mentoring here.